Albert The Bull

Audubon, Iowa Albert, the World's Largest Bull, has been guarding the peaceful streets of Audubon, Iowa since 1964. He is 30 feet tall and 33 feet long, and has a 15-foot span between horns. He also has baby blue eyes and giant concrete gonads. If you find yourself in western Iowa, hop off the interstate and stop by. The steelwork that forms his mighty frame was salvaged from abandoned Iowa windmills. Albert the Bull looks out towards the highway. Push a button in the information kiosk next to Albert's parking lot and gaze at him through scratched plexiglass as he tells you that he was built as a replica of the perfect Hereford bull, nine times larger than life-size and "authentic right down to my toenails." ACCORDING to the voice of Albert, 20,000 people visit him every year, and his media RESUME includes a cameo in Beethoven's 3rd, "and I was even a question on Jeopardy." Albert was named after a past president of a local BANK, who was also responsible for an annual local beef promotion named Operation T-bone -- which should not be confused with Operation Pork Chop, a local pork industry drive that lacked the vision to build a giant, talking pig to promote itself. For scale, the 6-ft. tall Hinged Man assists. Albert and his park are kept pristine, although we've received REPORTS that Albert's ample 'nads are sometimes painted in the colors of rival football teams or in a patriotic fervor. An autumn visitor might discover Albert with literally blue balls, rivaling those sported by a certain other oversized animal. Albert ends his message with, "Please drive carefully!" Visitors can then carefully drive into town and buy tiny ceramic replicas of the big bull -- but with black eyes, not blue.